Are narcissists *always* cruel?
Why can they be both nice AND mean at times?
They don’t treat everyone poorly – maybe I’m the problem?
Let’s break this down.
Most narcissists are very charming, act like social chameleons and can blend in seamlessly into any environment.
This is because the narcissist’s main objective (like any abuser) is power and control.
If everyone could see right through their fake facade, they wouldn’t be able to manipulate, ostracize, & control their target.
Narcissists observe how “nice people” behave and imitate those behaviors, which confuses any normal, healthy person into believing that “this” is the REAL them-so by the time they start gaslighting, minimizing, and devaluing you, you’re already sucked in.
You’re trying to match their current behaviors with your *first* impression of them. You don’t realize that the first “person” you met, wasn’t real.
That was a facade, meant to reel you in so that by the time you figure it out, you’re shoulder-deep in sinking sand that you never knew you were standing in.
This is made even more confusing by the fact that narcissists often have many people around them fooled into believing that they’re a great person and that YOU are lucky to be with THEM.
Of course, YOU are the narcissist’s target-which means sometimes you’re the ONLY one who is seeing their two-faced facade.
This is why TRUSTING yourself and your own reality is so important.
On the flip side, if someone tries to warn you about a particular person, but you think to yourself, “Well, they’ve never treated *me* badly” or “They’ve always been really nice from what I can tell”.
Stop and consider:
Have you ever given the person they’re warning you about a *reason* to have a problem with you?
Are you close enough to them to *know* whether they’re lying?
Have you ever seen them in a conflict?
Narcissists are masters at hiding in plain sight. Don’t overlook the warning signs when either YOU or OTHERS see them.
The narcissist’s mask will come off eventually – and you don’t want to be their target when it does.
If you’re looking to heal from narcissistic abuse or relationship trauma, I can help! I specialize in helping people heal from toxic, dysfunctional, or harmful relationships. Read more about my specialties and approach to the counseling process or book a free consult call today!