Dating is not just about chemistry. It’s not just about butterflies and exciting first conversations and wondering if this could be the one.
Dating is also about paying attention.
It’s one of the few windows of time you have to actually observe someone – how they treat you, how they talk about others, how they handle conflict, how they show up when things don’t go their way. And yet, so many of us spend that window looking through rose-colored glasses instead of actually watching.
I get it. I really do. When you’ve been hoping for connection, when you’re finally in front of someone who makes you feel something, the last thing you want to do is look for problems. You want to lean in. You want it to be right.
But here’s what I’ve learned – from my own experience and from working with so many people healing from toxic relationships:
The red flags were almost always there early. We just didn’t let ourselves see them.
So today, I want to help you see them.
Why We Miss Red Flags in the First Place
Before we get into the list, I think it’s worth naming something important: ignoring red flags isn’t a character flaw. It doesn’t mean you’re naive or foolish or “asking for it.” It means you’re human.
We overlook things when we’re hopeful. We downplay things when we’re lonely. We rationalize things when we’re already attached. And sometimes, we flat-out dismiss our own gut feelings because we’ve been taught – by society, by past relationships, by well-meaning people – that being “too picky” is the problem.
It’s not.
Your gut is not the problem. Your intuition is one of your greatest tools. And part of healing – and part of dating healthily – is learning to listen to it again.
Red Flags to Watch for When Dating Someone New
These aren’t dealbreakers in isolation. Context always matters. But they are signals worth noticing – and more importantly, worth tracking over time to see if they persist or if the person shows genuine self-awareness and growth.
They push to move in or get engaged very quickly. This one often gets mistaken for passion or certainty. And sometimes it is. But moving too fast – especially when it feels pressured rather than mutually exciting – can be a sign that someone is trying to skip the phase where you’d naturally start to notice things. Healthy relationships can handle a reasonable pace.
They talk about themselves constantly. A conversation should feel like a two-way street, especially early on. If you leave dates feeling like you know everything about them and they’ve asked very little about you, pay attention to that. Curiosity about the person you’re dating is one of the most basic forms of care.
They’re dismissive of you. This can be subtle. Changing the subject when you share something important. Minimizing your concerns. Responding to your experiences with indifference. Dismissiveness doesn’t always look like cruelty – sometimes it just looks like someone who consistently makes you feel like what you’re saying doesn’t quite matter.
They demean you and then laugh it off. “I was just joking.” “You’re so sensitive.” If someone says something that genuinely stings and then frames your reaction as the problem, that’s worth noting. Humor should never consistently come at your expense – and someone who cares about you will want to know when they’ve crossed a line, not defend it.
They say “I love you” very quickly. Intense, fast declarations of love can feel incredible in the moment. But love that moves at warp speed – before either of you really knows the other – can sometimes be a sign of love-bombing rather than genuine connection. Real love deepens over time. It doesn’t need to rush.
In every story about their past, they’re the victim – and it’s never their fault. We all have painful relationship histories. We’ve all been hurt. But if someone cannot identify a single way they contributed to the end of a past relationship — if every ex is “crazy” and every friendship ended because of someone else’s betrayal — that’s a pattern worth paying close attention to. The ability to self-reflect is one of the most important qualities in a healthy partner.
They have an excuse for everything. Consistently late? There’s always a reason. Not listening? They were stressed. Forgot something important to you? It’s been a hard week. Life genuinely does get in the way sometimes – but a pattern of excuses with little accountability or effort to do better is a sign of someone who may not take responsibility seriously.
Selfish or childish behavior. This one can show up in a hundred different ways: refusing to compromise, pouting when they don’t get their way, making everything about them during moments that should be about you, or simply acting entitled to your time, attention, and energy without reciprocating. Pay attention to how someone behaves when things don’t go their way. That’s some of the most revealing data you’ll ever get about who they actually are.
A Note on Red Flags vs. Dealbreakers
Not every red flag means someone is toxic or a narcissist. People are complicated. Some of these behaviors come from insecurity, past wounds, or simply bad habits that someone is genuinely willing to work on.
The question isn’t just “does this red flag exist?” It’s “what happens when I bring it up?”
Does the person get defensive and turn it around on you? Or do they actually hear you, take it seriously, and show some effort to change?
That response – that moment of accountability or lack thereof – tells you more than almost anything else.
Trust What You Notice
Here’s what I want to leave you with.
You are allowed to take your time. You are allowed to watch and observe without feeling guilty about it. You are allowed to trust the things you notice – even when someone else is trying to convince you that you’re imagining things, or that you’re being too sensitive, or that you expect too much.
You don’t expect too much. You’ve just learned, maybe the hard way, that some things matter.
Dating someone new is one of the greatest opportunities you have to choose wisely = before patterns are cemented, before years have passed, before it becomes so much harder to leave.
Use that window. Watch carefully. And please, please – don’t talk yourself out of what you already know.
What red flags would you add to this list? I’d love to hear from you.
And if you’re already in – or healing from – a relationship where these patterns became something much bigger, know that you’re not alone and that healing is absolutely possible. You can start here with my free bimonthly newsletter.
Dating is not just about chemistry. It’s not just about butterflies and exciting first conversations and wondering if this could be the one.
Dating is also about paying attention.
It’s one of the few windows of time you have to actually observe someone – how they treat you, how they talk about others, how they handle conflict, how they show up when things don’t go their way. And yet, so many of us spend that window looking through rose-colored glasses instead of actually watching.
I get it. I really do. When you’ve been hoping for connection, when you’re finally in front of someone who makes you feel something, the last thing you want to do is look for problems. You want to lean in. You want it to be right.
But here’s what I’ve learned – from my own experience and from working with so many people healing from toxic relationships:
The red flags were almost always there early. We just didn’t let ourselves see them.
So today, I want to help you see them.
Why We Miss Red Flags in the First Place
Before we get into the list, I think it’s worth naming something important: ignoring red flags isn’t a character flaw. It doesn’t mean you’re naive or foolish or “asking for it.” It means you’re human.
We overlook things when we’re hopeful. We downplay things when we’re lonely. We rationalize things when we’re already attached. And sometimes, we flat-out dismiss our own gut feelings because we’ve been taught – by society, by past relationships, by well-meaning people – that being “too picky” is the problem.
It’s not.
Your gut is not the problem. Your intuition is one of your greatest tools. And part of healing – and part of dating healthily – is learning to listen to it again.
Red Flags to Watch for When Dating Someone New
These aren’t dealbreakers in isolation. Context always matters. But they are signals worth noticing – and more importantly, worth tracking over time to see if they persist or if the person shows genuine self-awareness and growth.
They push to move in or get engaged very quickly. This one often gets mistaken for passion or certainty. And sometimes it is. But moving too fast – especially when it feels pressured rather than mutually exciting – can be a sign that someone is trying to skip the phase where you’d naturally start to notice things. Healthy relationships can handle a reasonable pace.
They talk about themselves constantly. A conversation should feel like a two-way street, especially early on. If you leave dates feeling like you know everything about them and they’ve asked very little about you, pay attention to that. Curiosity about the person you’re dating is one of the most basic forms of care.
They’re dismissive of you. This can be subtle. Changing the subject when you share something important. Minimizing your concerns. Responding to your experiences with indifference. Dismissiveness doesn’t always look like cruelty – sometimes it just looks like someone who consistently makes you feel like what you’re saying doesn’t quite matter.
They demean you and then laugh it off. “I was just joking.” “You’re so sensitive.” If someone says something that genuinely stings and then frames your reaction as the problem, that’s worth noting. Humor should never consistently come at your expense – and someone who cares about you will want to know when they’ve crossed a line, not defend it.
They say “I love you” very quickly. Intense, fast declarations of love can feel incredible in the moment. But love that moves at warp speed – before either of you really knows the other – can sometimes be a sign of love-bombing rather than genuine connection. Real love deepens over time. It doesn’t need to rush.
In every story about their past, they’re the victim – and it’s never their fault. We all have painful relationship histories. We’ve all been hurt. But if someone cannot identify a single way they contributed to the end of a past relationship — if every ex is “crazy” and every friendship ended because of someone else’s betrayal — that’s a pattern worth paying close attention to. The ability to self-reflect is one of the most important qualities in a healthy partner.
They have an excuse for everything. Consistently late? There’s always a reason. Not listening? They were stressed. Forgot something important to you? It’s been a hard week. Life genuinely does get in the way sometimes – but a pattern of excuses with little accountability or effort to do better is a sign of someone who may not take responsibility seriously.
Selfish or childish behavior. This one can show up in a hundred different ways: refusing to compromise, pouting when they don’t get their way, making everything about them during moments that should be about you, or simply acting entitled to your time, attention, and energy without reciprocating. Pay attention to how someone behaves when things don’t go their way. That’s some of the most revealing data you’ll ever get about who they actually are.
A Note on Red Flags vs. Dealbreakers
Not every red flag means someone is toxic or a narcissist. People are complicated. Some of these behaviors come from insecurity, past wounds, or simply bad habits that someone is genuinely willing to work on.
The question isn’t just “does this red flag exist?” It’s “what happens when I bring it up?”
Does the person get defensive and turn it around on you? Or do they actually hear you, take it seriously, and show some effort to change?
That response – that moment of accountability or lack thereof – tells you more than almost anything else.
Trust What You Notice
Here’s what I want to leave you with.
You are allowed to take your time. You are allowed to watch and observe without feeling guilty about it. You are allowed to trust the things you notice – even when someone else is trying to convince you that you’re imagining things, or that you’re being too sensitive, or that you expect too much.
You don’t expect too much. You’ve just learned, maybe the hard way, that some things matter.
Dating someone new is one of the greatest opportunities you have to choose wisely = before patterns are cemented, before years have passed, before it becomes so much harder to leave.
Use that window. Watch carefully. And please, please – don’t talk yourself out of what you already know.
What red flags would you add to this list? I’d love to hear from you.
And if you’re already in – or healing from – a relationship where these patterns became something much bigger, know that you’re not alone and that healing is absolutely possible. You can start here with my free bimonthly newsletter.