Thoughtful questions make us think that the speaker is thoughtful, too.
That’s why narcissists ask all kinds of “thoughtful” questions at the beginning of a relationship.
You assume they’re “getting to know you”….
When in reality, they’re “sourcing” you for resources.
Seeing what they will be able to use against you later.
And what vulnerabilities they can twist so that you’re easier to control.
They ask about your dreams, goals, insecurities, heartbreaks, and successes.
They ask about your childhood, relationships, family secrets, and biggest regrets.
In a healthy context and at an appropriate time, these topics are absolutely meaningful and should be discussed.
But narcissists:
Ask these questions too soon in the relationship
Seem to “push” you to answer them, even if you’re not ready to
Give surface answers when you ask them the same questions
And narcissists aren’t really listening to your answers… they’re assessing your usefulness.
If you tend be a “nice” and passive person…
If you’re very accommodating…
If your opinion can be easily swayed…
If you consider yourself a “helper”…
If you have a history of trauma…
If you have a strained relationship with your parent…
They’re listening for it all.
Give yourself a barrier of protection: be quick to hear, slow to speak, and even slower to give someone the keys to your psychological passwords.
Has a narcissist ever used something personal you shared against you?
If you’re looking to heal from narcissistic abuse or relationship trauma, I can help! I specialize in helping people heal from toxic, dysfunctional, or harmful relationships. Read more about my specialties and approach to the counseling process or book a free consult call today!
Chelsey Brooke Cole is a psychotherapist, speaker, author, and coach specializing in narcissistic abuse and relational trauma. She is the author of If Only I'd Known! How to Outsmart Narcissists, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unshakeable Self-Worth.
