Narcissists don’t seek to BUILD self-worth. They seek to GAIN narcissistic supply.
Here’s why that difference is so significant:
Self-worth seeks what’s best for ALL – narcissistic supply seeks what’s best for ME.
Self-worth is an INTERNAL process that comes from BEING who we say we are.
People with strong self-worth don’t need to make anyone feel “less than” or “better than” because they feel secure, calm, and stable in themselves.
Narcissistic supply is an EXTERNAL process that focuses on USING others for personal gain.
Narcissistic supply is an attempt to feel “better than” by sourcing people for what they can provide.
Narcissists try to regulate their emotions and self-esteem by gathering validation, attention, and admiration like a squirrel gathers food for the winter.
They need to “store it up” as “proof” that they’re a good person or good enough.
When they can gather plenty of attention (i.e., supply) they feel GOOD and become GRANDIOSE.
But when the harvest is scarce… narcissists start to feel like they’re starving.
And this lack of supply makes them feel BAD and become VULNERABLE.
This is part of the reason their emotions and mood states are so erratic and unpredictable.
They only feel GOOD when they’re making someone else feel BAD.
And that kind of all-or-nothing mentality is unbalanced, unstable, and destined to self-implode.
Has a narcissist ever attempted to use you as a source of narcissistic supply?
If you’re looking to heal from narcissistic abuse or relationship trauma, I can help! I specialize in helping people heal from toxic, dysfunctional, or harmful relationships. I recommend starting here and getting my free bimonthly newsletter. Or contact me today about working together via therapy or coaching.
Chelsey Brooke Cole is a psychotherapist, best-selling author, speaker, and coach specializing in narcissistic abuse and relational trauma. Praised as "Enlightening and Empowering" Chelsey's new book, If Only I'd Known! How to Outsmart Narcissists, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unshakeable Self-Worth is available wherever books are sold.
Chelsey, this is so true! The narcissist guy I hooked up with spent his time on social media while we were together. If he wasn’t texting or looking at posts, he would actually talk to people ALL the time!
A big red flag that I should have known at the beginning is that he told me that I made him feel better…of course I was his new supply!
He also spent his time telling me about his ex-girl friends and his sexual experiences all the time! He had multiple personalities in one day, I was so confused.
I don’t know by what grace I came across your posts on Facebook but I wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for every single one of them.They helped me understand why I was so confused, they helped my healing, they helped unhook me from this guy ( coz he was so charming, handsome, magnetic – you name it -… I almost left my marriage for him and thanks God I didn’t). Thank you so much for your work and dedication. You are helping so many people. I am so grateful.